Some thoughts today on relationships, particularly the boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and the husband/wife one. The thing that struck me today has to do with just doing nice things for your significant other (hereafter referred to as 'SO'). Note that what I'm talking about is basically my experiences and observations, which are admittedly limited and not necessarily true in the general case.
Doing nice things for your SO seems like a common thing in the bf/gf relationship, it's part of courting: you surprise the other with a nice gift, or flowers, or a love note or whatever. It's almost expected in general in that type of relationship, regardless of whether it would be a usual thing for the people involved in other cases. This, to me, seems like a lie: it should exist in this type of relationship if you are that kind of person, or perhaps if you intend to be that way. Though social norms may suggest that since doing this is expected here, but not necessarily in a married relationship, you're not really being false by doing that here and not necessarily continuing, it doesn't seem right to me anyways. Unless of course you are going to continue to be that thoughtful about your SO in all the types of relationships, in which case you're just being true to how you are.
So what changes when you get married? I would say that it shouldn't change: if you're doing those nice things before getting married, it should be for good reasons, not the societal expectations. If that's the case, good for you! Keep doing them! They are special things and can really help a relationship. I know that for my own situation, the type of things that are nice surprises for L have changed over the years (correct me if I'm wrong, dear): for example, just calling her up at work just to say Hi and that I was thinking of her seems to help sometimes. Or if I'm going to get lunch at a weird time, bringing her food too and sharing it together in a quick break from work.
So, I guess what I'm really saying is that it's important to think of your SO, and if you think of something nice you can do for them, do it! The surprise and happiness they get from knowing you've been thinking/caring about them is a wonderful reward.
2 comments:
This is something I'm really, really terrible at. Actually I probably just need to get better at doing nice things for people in general, and let that extend to these kinds of relationships. As you say, it's better if this behavior comes from who you are rather than some sense of expectation.
I think I get used to an insular mode of living and it's hard for me to switch out of it when I'm in a relationship. The solution of course is not to be so damn insular in my single life, which will be easier to work on when I'm not way behind on my thesis.
Zifnab: Amen!
And stuff like this also extends to relations with friends and not just SOs. Not that I can say I'm terribly good at this (though I have occasionally had my moments; I think I'm worse than I used to be at this, perhaps also from living alone for several years), but I know that I appreciate such things and I have definitely seen others appreciate such things.
Post a Comment