A long time ago, I used to really like swimming and going to the pool. Then my teenage years came around, and my really bad acne and I got very self-conscious and didn't like going to the pool, mostly because I would have to not wear a shirt and then people could see the scars on my back from the acne, and my thin arms (which I don't mind, but tend to get a lot of comments. Hence why I usually wear my jacket, which hides them.). I'm not sure why this bothered me so much, I know it seemed very important to me at the time, even when I wasn't really self-conscious about most other things. I think perhaps there was some disconnect between physical appearance which bothered me, and social interactions of other types which did not. Regardless, I didn't like swimming for those reasons, even though I always really liked being in water and diving and swimming underwater and so on.
I haven't actually been swimming much since then. I can only think of a few times in the last few years, mainly at gradiators and once or twice otherwise. I do however like going into hot tubs. It doesn't really feel different, but I think there is a difference. Notably, when I go to a hot tub, it's inevitably with friends, and there aren't usually many (if any) outsiders there who I don't know. That environment really changes how I'm self-conscious. Sure, the scars are still there, I'm still scrawny-looking, but since I'm with friends, that doesn't bother me (it doesn't bother me in normal situations either. If people can't accept my physical appearance, that's their problem. Just in the beach/pool environment that doesn't seem to apply). They accept me and there aren't many people I don't know there, so I don't feel bad about it.
I think part of the issue was how women who didn't know me might judge me based only on a meeting at a pool or beach. I think I was fairly concerned about this, as I was still single and really wanted to not be dismissed outright for my appearance as a suitable friend/boyfriend/etc. I think that was a silly concern now, but my perspective has changed a lot.
Anyways, where was I going with this? Well, Frances mentioned that we should bring swimsuits when visiting for Em's graduation, because there was a pool and a hot tub at her place. Saturday night we actually went to the pool. I wasn't feeling very well (had a headache that grew pretty bad before I could take any excedrin for it), but I didn't want to not go. So we all went down there (Jonathan, Frances, Emily, Mom, Lorian, Uncle Dan) and they all hopped in the pool while I sat on the side to try and let the excedrin work and feel better. I spent a while thinking about it while sitting on the side of the pool. After a while, I realized something. I didn't really have a problem with pools any more. Sure, the water is usually too cold for me which means I'm physically uncomfortable, but I didn't feel self-conscious. If anything, I was happier that way, I was there with L, who I know likes me and my physical appearance, I got to watch her play around in the water, which was a definite bonus, and I really didn't care what other people thought about me in that environment. Not that there was anyone but our group there, but when I thought about it, it wouldn't really have mattered to me if there were others there I didn't know.
After that, I felt a whole lot better as it was like a problem that I'd had sitting around in the back of my mind had just gone away after so many years. Eventually my head started feeling better and I sat in the hot tub for a while, then got dragged into the frigid water of the pool and really had a lot of fun playing around in the water.
3 comments:
I similarly don't like swimming. Partly, I just don't like getting chlorine all over and shriveling skin is really annoying. I haven't been in the water besides my tub since high school and I have no desire to go.
Partly, I don't want to take my shirt off, but in addition to a small bit of self-consciousness, there is the much larger factor of my considering it an invasion of my privacy. (I hated the high school locker room.) We actually had to take one semester of swimming in high school to graduate. My solution back in the day (and at my grandmother's pool) was to keep my shirt on when I swam. I also needed to use goggles because my eyes would just get raw and I can't stand water going through my nostrils.
Basically, water is good for cleaning oneself but I'd really rather avoid it otherwise.
I think last summer I spent more time in the water in the span of two weeks than I did over at least 8 (or so) years leading up to that. I was body surfing every day in HI, right up until I could barely make it up the stairs to my room. Worth every bit of it.
If I hadn't been (for me) in relatively good shape, I never would have been able to stand it. Besides the sensitivity to cold which tends to keep me out of the waters in CA, I don't like being in the water for a long time because of my lungs. I've had a lot of respiratory problems, so I'm acutely aware of it if something makes it even slightly harder for me to breath (I pick up on certain smells, especially if there's a related allergy risk, humidity, 'stuffiness' and the like very quickly). Being in the water, well, there's even pressure over your torso, and there's a distinct sensation, even if exhaling is a bit easier. It has a tendency to click part of my brain over into panic, "Danger Will Robinson" mode.
Being at least a little in shape (mostly dancing at that point, iirc) meant that I had a fair bit more endurance, so with that, the cleaner air, and a little bit of stubbornness I was able to get past it.
On the other hand, I haven't worn shorts since then, and hardly did for a while before that. I've been self concious about a rash I've had on my calves for a little over a year now. At it's worst, it was really nasty, but it's been very, very slowly getting better. At this rate, maybe another couple of months and it won't even be visible.
It's not the rash itself, though, that I'm so ashamed of. It's more a symbol of my lack of self control -- the damn thing itches so much that it sustains itself in this nasty vicious circle. If I could just not ever scratch it, it could have been cleared up long ago. Waking myself up by scratching it raw a few times finally clued me in on maybe needing a little more (and not being entirely able to blame myself, either). On antihistamines 24/7, two types of moisturising lotion and fair share of cortizone and it's finally under control. Yay?
Kinda went off on a tangent there, huh? Oh wells, I guess I does that.
I definitely agree with the water-through-the-nose and the water-pressure-makes-it-hard-to-breathe issues with pools, plus I have the totally-panic-if-my-head-is-below-water problem, but I still really enjoy water :) I like the feeling of having a different weight, and the increased pressure and resistance are also fun to play with.
I don't actually have much self-consciousness in the water itself because, even though I'm still visually exposed, I feel physically covered. Not particularly logical, but given that it's illogical in my favor, I'm not going to argue.
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