Swimmingly

A long time ago, I used to really like swimming and going to the pool. Then my teenage years came around, and my really bad acne and I got very self-conscious and didn't like going to the pool, mostly because I would have to not wear a shirt and then people could see the scars on my back from the acne, and my thin arms (which I don't mind, but tend to get a lot of comments. Hence why I usually wear my jacket, which hides them.). I'm not sure why this bothered me so much, I know it seemed very important to me at the time, even when I wasn't really self-conscious about most other things. I think perhaps there was some disconnect between physical appearance which bothered me, and social interactions of other types which did not. Regardless, I didn't like swimming for those reasons, even though I always really liked being in water and diving and swimming underwater and so on.

I haven't actually been swimming much since then. I can only think of a few times in the last few years, mainly at gradiators and once or twice otherwise. I do however like going into hot tubs. It doesn't really feel different, but I think there is a difference. Notably, when I go to a hot tub, it's inevitably with friends, and there aren't usually many (if any) outsiders there who I don't know. That environment really changes how I'm self-conscious. Sure, the scars are still there, I'm still scrawny-looking, but since I'm with friends, that doesn't bother me (it doesn't bother me in normal situations either. If people can't accept my physical appearance, that's their problem. Just in the beach/pool environment that doesn't seem to apply). They accept me and there aren't many people I don't know there, so I don't feel bad about it.

I think part of the issue was how women who didn't know me might judge me based only on a meeting at a pool or beach. I think I was fairly concerned about this, as I was still single and really wanted to not be dismissed outright for my appearance as a suitable friend/boyfriend/etc. I think that was a silly concern now, but my perspective has changed a lot.

Anyways, where was I going with this? Well, Frances mentioned that we should bring swimsuits when visiting for Em's graduation, because there was a pool and a hot tub at her place. Saturday night we actually went to the pool. I wasn't feeling very well (had a headache that grew pretty bad before I could take any excedrin for it), but I didn't want to not go. So we all went down there (Jonathan, Frances, Emily, Mom, Lorian, Uncle Dan) and they all hopped in the pool while I sat on the side to try and let the excedrin work and feel better. I spent a while thinking about it while sitting on the side of the pool. After a while, I realized something. I didn't really have a problem with pools any more. Sure, the water is usually too cold for me which means I'm physically uncomfortable, but I didn't feel self-conscious. If anything, I was happier that way, I was there with L, who I know likes me and my physical appearance, I got to watch her play around in the water, which was a definite bonus, and I really didn't care what other people thought about me in that environment. Not that there was anyone but our group there, but when I thought about it, it wouldn't really have mattered to me if there were others there I didn't know.

After that, I felt a whole lot better as it was like a problem that I'd had sitting around in the back of my mind had just gone away after so many years. Eventually my head started feeling better and I sat in the hot tub for a while, then got dragged into the frigid water of the pool and really had a lot of fun playing around in the water.